The first man married a Asian girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Greek girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Moral of the story – Don’t piss off a Canadian woman

10. THE HOT CHICK

You know her. She drives every guy crazy in the office. And everyone knows exactly who you’re talking about when you say, “Wow, did you see what she was wearing today? The things I would do to her…”

9. MR. MEETINGS

He doesn’t actually do anything, he just has meetings all day, every day. Someone’s working on something? Let’s all huddle in the conference room to discuss implementing it. Someone wants to schedule a meeting? Let’s meet to form a task force about it. Someone’s dropping a deuce in the toilet? We better meet on this.

The Kitchen Slob

8. THE KITCHEN SLOB

He’ll stick burritos in the microwave just long enough for them to explode, spill coffee on the counter, and leave an egg and tuna salad sandwich in the fridge until human resources has to send out a sternly worded e-mail suggesting it be thrown out.

The Sports Guy

7. THE SPORTS GUY

He’s either talking about the game that was just on or the one that’s coming up. On Casual Fridays, this lovable fellow sports his team jersey, and on Monday makes a point to stop at every desk to discuss “That play!” If possible, he would have 15 office sports pools going all at once.

The Idiot Boss

6. THE IDIOT BOSS

He has a fancy degree hanging on his office wall and a great collection of designer suits. Each day he asks some amazingly stupid question or suggests a preposterous idea that gives you a new reason to question just how the hell he’s in charge. He knows almost nothing about his particular line of work, and what he does know, he learned from you.

The Bathroom Bomber

5. THE BATHROOM BOMBER

Typically a likable, heavy-set guy who enjoys greasy food. If he’s exited the bathroom with a sigh of relief, you know it’s off limits for at least an hour, or until the dust settles from one of his massive craps. He is referred to by the midnight cleaning crew as “El Diablo.”

Mrs. Smoke Breaks

4. MRS. SMOKE BREAKS

This husky-voiced, often overweight co-worker has found a way to take an extra hour off her workday. Her favorite phrase is, “I’ll be right back” as she heads to the outside courtyard to meet with her fellow puffers who consume Virginia Slims like candy. She is single-handedly responsible for doubling the office’s insurance premiums.

Eff this place

3. MR. ALWAYS ON THE VERGE OF QUITTING (AKA Mr. Eff this Place!)

He doesn’t just dislike his job, he hates it. Every week for the last eight years he’s vowed that today would be his last day. But instead of quitting, he gripes to you, other co-workers, the mailman, and anyone who’ll listen.

Close Talker

2. THE COFFEE-BREATHING CLOSE-TALKER

He always knocks down a few cups of java juice and a couple of cigs before your one-on-one morning encounter. His idea of personal space is just making sure your noses aren’t touching. All the while you’re trying desperately to invent reasons why your conversation needs to be over.

Mr Lazy Sack of $H!T

1. MR. LAZY SACK OF SHIT WHO NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW HE KEEPS HIS JOB

He strolls in whenever he can, takes two-hour lunches and leaves about 4:15-ish. Nobody’s quite sure what he does all day, but due to corporate bureaucracy or union guidelines, he never seems to get in trouble.

Emergency Gas Mask

s

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, “Hey, doc, I’ve lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothin’, so what are ya goin’ to do?”

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47.”

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, “This is gross!” he yelled. “Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,” said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home…. very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. “Doc,” he started, “I can’t remember anything!” Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47, it’s……”

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

He responded with, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.”

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”

The Consul, after hearing this, says, “You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price.”

“No, it’s not that,” says George. “You see, I know of a case from many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he rose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance.”

CHEYENNE, Wyo. (UPI) — Police in Wyoming said a gunshot reported at a Starbucks cafe was found to have originated from a juvenile’s purse.

Cheyenne Police said officers secured the area after the bullet put a hole through a chair and a wall around 7 a.m. Monday and a girl with a hole in her bag told the officers, “I think my purse went off,” KGWN-TV, Cheyenne, reported Wednesday.

Officers said the girl had and a small, Derringer-type, double-barrel .38 Special inside her purse.

The girl was issued a summons for possession of a firearm by a juvenile, which carries a $750 bond and a mandatory court appearance.

Police said the case is being reviewed by the District Attorney’s Office and further charges are possible.

Texas college plates stir controversy

DALLAS (UPI) — Some Texans are complaining about the growing number of out-of-state colleges and universities being represented on the state’s license plates.

A franchise agreement with My Plates made a few years ago to aggressively market specialized license plates has resulted in nearly 30 different out-of-state schools having license plates offered in Texas at a price of $55 per year or $295 for a 10-year plate, and the objects have resulted in some strong opinions being posted to the Texas Department of Motor Vehicles Web site, the San Antonio Express-News reported Wednesday.

“To have anything other than a Texas team or school is just plane wrong and you as legislatures and members of the department of transportation should be tarred and feathered,” one Texan wrote. If for no other reason than putting out an O.U. (Oklahoma University) plate you should be ashamed.

Another poster said, “It is beyond me why we would want to allow out-of-state colleges to display on Texas License plates. Where is our state pride?”

Tree decorated with 400+ travel souvenirs

FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI) — A Texas couple said their Christmas tree is covered in more than 400 travel souvenirs they picked up during their globetrotting adventures.

Billy and Carolyn Caldwell of Fort Worth said they collected their first souvenir, a red stained-glass heart, on their honeymoon trip to San Antonio in 1979 and they have since collected more than 400 items while traveling the world in support of Billy’s career as a geologist, the Fort Worth Star-Telegraph reported Wednesday.

The couple said their collection, which includes items from Australia, the Falkland Islands, South America, the Virgin Islands, Egypt and Israel, has grown to the point where it now takes about three days to set up their Christmas tree.

“Each one is individually wrapped, so when we take it out we are unwrapping a wonderful memory,” Billy Caldwell said of the souvenirs.

“It can be a chore, but as long as I’m living, I like putting up my Christmas tree,” Carolyn Caldwell said. Every time you take one (souvenir) out, you think about what a wonderful time you had and the great people you met.

N.J. officials want to know fate of skunks

AVALON, N.J. (UPI) — New Jersey wildlife officials said they want to know what a borough mayor means when he says skunks are being put into “witness protection.”

Avalon Mayor Martin Pagliughi declined to reveal what his borough is doing with relocated skunks after it stopped taking them to the Tuckahoe Wildlife Management Area when Upper Township Mayor Richard Palumbo complained in 2009, The Press of Atlantic City (N.J.) reported Wednesday.

“Within the last year we’ve taken about 80 skunks off the island. We’re trapping them and putting them in the witness protection program. We don’t know where they’re going,” Pagliughi said.

However, officials with the New Jersey Division of Fish and Wildlife, which controls the relocation and euthanasia of wildlife in the state, said they want to know where the skunks are going.

“They do not have a permit and they should not be removing them,” said Larry Ragonese, a spokesman for the state Department of Environmental Protection. They don’t have the right to relocate a species. They have to talk to the Fish and Wildlife folks to assess that.

Ragonese said the borough has the right to relocate the skunks within its own borders, but the mayor has made it clear the skunks are being taken off the island.

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

Leaving Work Early

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having intimate relations with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

“That was fun,” says the brunette. “We should do it again sometime.”

“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”

New Disease

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

“Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode.”

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

“What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?”

“No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.”

“Tell me! What is it?”

“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”

Men Don’t Listen

A young man was driving up a steep, winding and narrow mountain road. Going round a tight corner, he notices a woman driver who is coming in the opposite direction begin to lean out of her window. As they pass each other she yells at him – “PIG!!!!”

The man immediately leans out of his window and screams back at her, “WITCH!!!”

Each continues on their way, and as the man rounds the next bend he crashes into a pig, right in the middle of the road…

If only men would listen.

In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (Apparently it’s OK for woman.)

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if they’re nude.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it’s illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.

In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. (Ouch! These pasties hurt!)

Anywhere in the U.S., it’s illegal to use any live endangered species, excepting insects, in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex. (Insectophiles apparently were successful in their lobbying efforts.)

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it’s legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

Women aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio – a man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t!”

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.

It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.

“How is it that every time I pass your station, you are not working?” the angry department head asked of an employee.

“It’s because you wear sneakers, sir!”

The Meaning of Self-Help

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

{div float:left}{module 160x}{/div}Gut Buster

A pharmacist comes back from his break and sees a man leaning against the wall, his face strained and nervous. He asks his assistant: “What’s wrong with that man over there?”

“He came in looking for cough medicine,” she replies. “I couldn’t find any, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxatives.”

“Oh great!” steamed the pharmacist. “He is going to sue us now. You don’t give laxatives to a person with a cough!”

“Well,” said the clerk defensively, “look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”

Too-Jealous Wife

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!”

The next night, when she didn’t smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, “She’s not only bald, but she’s too cheap to buy any perfume!”

A pineapple!

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}What do you give a train driver for Christmas?.

Platform shoes!

What did the big candle say to the little candle?.

I’m going out tonight!

Whats happens to you at Christmas?.

Yule be happy!

How long does it take to burn a candle down?.

About a wick!

Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?.

They both drop their needles!

What’s Christmas called in England?.

Yule Britannia!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?.

Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?.

Because a little water ends both of them!

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders

“Forget Rednecks …….”

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance And they don’t work there, you live in New England.

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You live in New England.

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with Someone who dialed a wrong number, You live in New England.

“VACATION” means going anywhere south of New York City For the weekend, you live in New England.

If you measure distance in hours, You live in New England.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England.

If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day and back again, you live in New England.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a Raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how To use them, you live in New England.

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a Snowsuit, you live in New England.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you’re going 80 and Everybody is passing you, you live in New England.

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}If driving is better in the winter because the potholes Are filled with snow,you live in New England.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still Winter and road construction, you live in New England.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, You live in New England.

If you find 10 degrees ‘a little chilly’, you live in New England.

If there’s a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England.

If you think everyone else has a funny accent, you live in New England.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them To all your New England friends & others, you live or Have lived in New England

“Five minutes” – This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

{div float:left}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}”Nothing” – This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.

“Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows) – This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.

“Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows) – This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

More on Understanding a Woman’s Language

(loud sigh) – This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. She thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

(soft sigh) – Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

“Oh” – This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows “Go ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that we can’t bring ourselves to write about them.

Even More on Understanding a Woman’s Language

“That’s Okay” – This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

“Please Do” – This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.

“Thanks” – A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you’re welcome.

“Thanks a lot” – This is much different from “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks a lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, “Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land.”

Rossi looks at Abe’s resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before.

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}Rossi says to Abe, “What chutzpah, if you don’t mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary.”

“Well I suppose I am,” Abe replies, “but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, “Remember, Sarge, you’re in the New Army. No profanities.”

The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. “My goodness gracious,” he said, “What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?”

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 Service Station, yelled one final “Yahoo” and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.

“Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback.”

{module Adsense 300X250}

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}Investigators said the clerk at Walmart stepped away to seek help from a supervisor after several unsuccessful attempts to scan the Streetsboro man’s debit card to pay for the iPad Oct. 30, and the suspect ran off with the device, leaving the card behind, The (Cleveland) Plain Dealer reported Wednesday.

Police said they used the card to track down the man, who was recorded taking the iPad by the store’s security camera, and he was arrested and charged with theft.

Just to think another criminal mastermind who was finally foiled!

Kent Couch, a Bend gas-station owner, was contacted by Fareed Lafta, known as the Iraqi “superhero,” about the flight in Iraq, KTVZ-TV, Bend, reported.

“I got an e-mail from a guy that looked at our Web site, and he said he was wanting to do this to help the Iraqi youth,” Couch said Wednesday.

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}Couch and Lafta came up with the idea to do a double-chair launch and break more records Nov. 15, during the Youth Talent Conference in the “Green Zone” of Baghdad.

“We’re going to have two guys on one platform,” Couch said. So we’ll have two lawn chairs connected, and we’ll launch with twice as many balloons.

Couch said they will travel 400 miles at 25,000 feet, with oxygen tanks, breaking his elevation record.

He said he has one fear — inadvertently floating into Iran.

“The fear is if we drift to Iran, which is only about 85 miles from Baghdad — and if we were to get a wind blowing west, we would just have to go up and come back down, because I’m not going to gamble being in Iran for very long,” Couch said.

Couch was scheduled to leave for Baghdad Thursday with his wife and a Bend filmmaker who is to document the event.

Lawn chairs and helium filled balloons, an interesting combination. will he have a BB gun with him like the original guy who attempted this back in the 80′s?

{div float:left}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}Nancy Crescente said her son, Nick Martinez, 14, and a female friend both received in-school suspensions after the principal at Southwest Middle School in Palm Bay spotted them engaging in a “mutual hug,” a practice banned by the school, WKMG-TV, Orlando, reported Thursday.

“First of all, we are a Hispanic cultural family and hugging is part of who we are,” Crescente said.

Martinez said he did not know he was violating the rules.

“A lot of friends are hugging. I just happened to be the one caught doing it,” he said. Honestly, I didn’t know because I didn’t think hugging was a bad thing. I didn’t know you could get suspended for it.

The principal said there are no plans to change the policy at the school, which is the only public school in the district to ban hugging.

Makes me wonder what is next, detention for giving a high five????

Andy Rooney Dead at 92, One Month After Retiring

Never retire: almost six weeks to the day after delivering his last cranky essay on 60 Minutes, writer and commentator Andy Rooney is dead of complications following minor surgery. He was 92, and had delivered exactly 1,097 of his trademark on-air bitch sessions.

It’s hard to think of a television correspondent more American than Rooney: interminably cranky, perpetually confused, stubbornly opinionated, slightly bigoted, usually wrong, and strangely likable. Rooney wrote his first “television essay”—”Essay on Doors,” natch—in 1964. (It was delivered by CBS correspondent Harry Reasoner). He joined 60 Minutes in 1977, and by 1979 had established himself at the end of every show with what CBS News describes as “wry, humorous and contentious television essays,” more often than not just about whatever was annoying Andy Rooney that particular week. Sometimes, this was a good—even noble—thing:

No group was off limits for Rooney, especially CBS management and his own colleagues. Rooney poked fun at the “60 Minutes” correspondents on a regular basis in his essays, while he questioned CBS management on issues, such as layoffs and strikes, sometimes in his “60 Minutes” essays, but more often in his syndicated newspaper column for Tribune Media Services or in media interviews. During a Writers Guild of America strike against CBS, Rooney, though not in the union, supported it by not writing any “60 Minutes” pieces until the strike was settled. He publicly blamed CBS’s troubles of the early 1990s on Chairman Laurence Tisch’s cutbacks, daring Tisch to fire him.

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}And sometimes it was just Rooney being—in that supremely American way of his—a prick. This was, naturally, our favorite side of him:

When Associated Press television critic Frazier Moore wrote that Rooney should quit because his material was getting old, Rooney took Moore to task by broadcasting the newswire’s New York phone number, exhorting his “60 Minutes” viewers to tell the writer what they thought of his opinion. The Associated Press logged over 7,000 calls in 48 hours, the vast majority in favor of Rooney.

Rooney’s survived by four children, five grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and about three dozen terrible essays, incorrectly attributed to him, that your aunt will be forwarding to you over and over again, forever.

[CBS News, image via AP]

I am in one of my “Andy Rooney” type of moods here (and may Andy rest in peace) and I thought I would share with you some of my thoughts and perhaps maybe even give you a good chuckle at the same time even if it may be at my expense, I have no problem with that, through the years not only do I poke fun at other people and things, I have also learned to be able to poke fun at myself as well.

I have been sitting here thinking about what to put up site this weekend and I got to thinking about a phone conversation that I had with a lady friend of mine in another part of the country about a few years ago along with some other conversations that I have had with a few other women as well about a host of different issues.

We got to talking about different things and in my humorous way I had given each of these dear ladies a man’s point of view (namely mine because the last time that I checked all the male equipment was still there so I would hazard a guess and say that I am still a man) about a few things and at the same time validating some of their thoughts, feelings and concerns as well such as;

“I am sure that there are times when women (generally the heterosexual ones) think where men are concerned that if it was not for the fact we have something between our legs and that we can open jars and move furniture there would be a bounty on our asses”

“I am also sure that there are many women out there who think that us men are only interested in one thing and that is getting into their pants…”

“While that is a normal desire on the part of most men, speaking for myself I desire more than just giving ‘Mr. Happy’ a workout”

Well anyhow as a man I must state unequivocally that in many ways we are also at a very distinct disadvantage and totally defenseless in some areas;

1. Women can generally seduce us men a hell of a lot easier than us men can seduce women, which is just the way it is and needless to stay we are stuck with it.
   1. Think about this: The little boy who says to the little girl as he is pointing to his privates and says “I have one of these, what have you got?” to which the little girl replies as she points to her privates “With one of these I can get as many of those as I want” Talk about a comeback to something that can stop us cold.
   2. If we try to seduce a woman and if she is not interested, we may very well get our faces slapped or worse.
   3. If a woman tries to seduce us we generally have one of two options;
      1. If we are interested, we tend to let “the little head” do our thinking for us, to coin a phrase “A stiff prick has no conscience”
      2. If we are not interested, not only is giving the woman a slap (something that I do not approve of anyhow) out of the question, it is unacceptable, it also against the law and will more than likely land you in jail. Secondly if we refuse a woman’s advances, we may possibly get ridiculed about our masculinity.
2. Women can fire off some very good comebacks, this is my favorite;
   1. Man: “If I ever saw you naked I would die a happy man”
   2. Woman “If I ever saw you naked I would die laughing”
3. Women if need be can turn on “the waterworks” to get us to do their bidding. If we do it we are being wimps or manipulative.
4. On the bedroom front;
   1. We cannot fake physical arousal, it is either erect or it is not. There is no grey area on this matter. There are times when we may only get semi-rigid and this is just as frustrating for us as it is for the woman, especially when it is a kind of woman that “we are just dying to throw her our best hump”
   2. It is also kind of hard to hide arousal as well when we have that moment when we are so damn hard we could crack walnuts with the damn thing.
   3. We cannot fake an orgasm; “the proof is in the pudding” so to speak. Not only that when we are in the midst of getting a nut we turn in to Goofy as our bodies are telling our minds “Who cares if I look stupid?”
   4. When we have an orgasm, we can only have them one at a time, we are NOT multi-orgasmic. We need to recover for a while if we want to go at it again
5. Outside of the bedroom;
   1. We have all had those moments as men when the damn thing takes on a life all its own and it comes alive at the worst possible moment, I know those are the times when I wish I could just take it off and put it away until I need to use it.
   2. Or you feel the urge for no obvious reason and it is just driving you nuts

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}Let’s face it, we are easily victims of our own masculinity, the good old testosterone kicks in and takes over and our dicks start doing our thinking for us and we get led around by our dicks and the women know this and use it to their advantage (they are no fools). Hell they might even grab hold of it and then they definitely have our attention and they have us under their control whether we are aware of it or not, whether we are willing to admit it or not..

You wake up in the morning and you find that your little buddy has been awake for five minutes before you and the woman that you share your bed with looks at it and asks “What are you thinking of honey?”, Hell we don’t have a damn clue, we just woke up, luckily a quick piss usually takes care of that and things are back to normal. Too bad that is the only time some of us can experience a “blue steel” hard on.

Age plays a role in our overall physical functions and “Mr. Happy” is not exempt from the conditions of age.

Coming out of puberty and into young adult hood we hit our sexual peak in our late teens to early twenties, a stiff breeze and our dicks are hard, it doesn’t take much at this age. Even when our asses are dragging we can get it up in a heartbeat and many times we can do it frequently too. The downside is that we usually get off a whole lot quicker, at this age we usually are lacking in “dick control”, we are generally so damn excited that many times we can’t actually believe that we just scored ourselves such a fine piece of ass. At this age there are many of us who are humbled to learn that we are nothing more than “One Pump Chumps” no sooner do get it in and then it’s all over.

Mid twenties to mid forties, we have matured, while we are past our initial peak, much of our libido is still intact and with experience we generally tend to have more control and staying power and can last longer. Sometimes it takes a little more stimulation to get us ready but we generally don’t mind that if the foreplay is awesome.

Mid forties on up, our libido starts decreasing more and more as the years pass us by and it takes more work to get us ready to perform though there have been some exceptions. Normally at this juncture in life while we still enjoy getting our “dicks wet”, it is not an obsession with us like when we were younger..

Let us not also forget the various dysfunctions that we all may have suffered at one time;

E.D. which is short for Erectile Dysfunction, a politically correct description for impotence or as it is also commonly referred to as “can’t get it up” Sometimes it is just temporary and in some cases it is a long term or permanent condition. There are many causes for this, stress, health, age, medication etc… Luckily nowadays there are various medications on the market that can address this issue in some cases. This is probably the biggest fear of most men as we feel as if our very identity as a man is at risk.

Premature Ejaculation also known as being a “One Pump Chump”

Ejaculatory Inhibition or the inability to “get off” these are all frightening things for a man and it strikes at the very core of our manhood

Now on the subject of “Girl Watching”

Let’s face it. Any human being that has been born with a penis and testicles and has functioning eyesight is going to look at any human that was born with a vagina and breasts. It is all part of our natural human instinct. It really comes into play if the female in question has some source of attraction that catches the attention of the male species.

Let me share a personal example:

A few years ago during Christmas while I was living in North Carolina, I was at a lady friend’s home for Christmas dinner, and mind you that she and I share a strictly platonic relationship even though we kid each other quite a bit, anyhow she was crouching down to get something out of one the cabinets under the sink and I just happen to catch a glance of her thong panties that she was wearing that day.

As much as I was trying to be a gentleman and NOT look, she no sooner busted me when she says “Now Neal don’t be looking at my thong” needless to say I glanced again and I am sure I was turning beet red as well given that I was busted. But let’s face it, telling me not to look is like telling me not to breath or to stop my heart from beating, even worse, imagine this, set a plate of very fresh chocolate chip cookies if front of a small child and then tell that child not to eat any of them and then you walk away. Ask yourself this, what is that child going to do?

Anyhow, if we are looking it is because what we see is a pleasant sight to see, we are admiring beauty for what it is, so ladies next time, do not take offense we are just admiring what you have been blessed with. Also ladies, I know that you are also guilty of looking too so what makes you any better than us?

There will be more to come on this and other topics so keep my blog bookmarked for your viewing pleasure.

Remember too that what I post here is intended to be light-hearted, humorous, insightful and at times thought provoking.

- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

- He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.

- Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

- Man who make love to girl on hill…he not on level.

- Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet.

- Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

- Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

{module Adsense 300X250}

The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mullah looked back at him and raised his middle finger..

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Mullah Nasruddin pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Mullah pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, ‘I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims can stay.’

{div float:left}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}An hour later, the cardials were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and stamping on it, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the Mullah in total astonishmen. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,”said the Mullah, “First he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims. I said none of us leaving this land!”

“And then?” asked a woman.

“He took out his lunch and I took out mine,” said the Mullah.

The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.

Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male’s reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.

Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts.

This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls.

This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.

Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man.

In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as “Engineers.”

Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as “Fighter Pilots.”

A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as…”Mr. President or Mr. Congressman.”

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

{div float:right}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, “No, I also work … out of our home.”

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. “He was born at home,” I answered.

The man looked at me, then said, “Wow, you don’t get out much, do you?”

{div float:left}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. “Couldn’t you tell by your clothes that you’d grown?” I asked him.

“Since I’ve been doing my own laundry,” he replied, “I just figured everything had shrunk.”

{div float:left}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}

This couple is boarding an airplane with their two small children when the husband commented that it was too bad they weren’t flying first class, where they’d have more room for their infant.

“They probably don’t allow babies in first class,” the wife said.

“On the contrary,” a nearby flight attendant jokingly confided to them. “ALL our first-class passengers are babies.”

{module Adsense 300X250}

“How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five!

That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life…you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony…YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED 30! We had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40.

{div float:left}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50… and your dreams are gone.

But wait! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

- Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

- If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

- Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Ponderables

- If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

- If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

{div float:left}{module Adsense 300X250}{/div}- If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

- You know how most packages say “Open here.” What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?

- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

- Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. “Don’t you understand?!? We’re going to die!!”

The second man replied, “You don’t understand, I make $100,000 a week.”

The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, “What difference does that make?!? We’re on an island with no food and no water! We’re going to DIE!!!”

The second man answered, “You just don’t get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!”

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

“When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

“You know what?”

“What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck!”

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER “No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

POLE: It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” he responded.

LAWYER: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”

POLE: “No,” he replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

LAWYER “I mean, What are your relations like?”

POLE: “All my relation! s are in Poland.”

LAWYER: “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

POLE: “Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set &DVD player with 6.1 sound.We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

LAWYER: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I’m always up before her.

LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?

POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: She going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read – it says, “Polish Remover”.